Wednesday, July 19, 2006

3 years of waiting, 30 minutes of meeting

blame it on the weather. it has been raining, cloudy and gray in manila lately and it just makes me feel kind of mushy, lazy, sentimental & everything associated with bad weather. anyways, though i was dead tired from work last night and to end another missing-byj-day before another missing-byj-day dawns on me, i did my ritual of browsing & rereading some of my favorite fan writings. what can i say ? these stuff are so good coz they all came from the heart. there's no need to go to a journalism school to understand the essence of these fan writings. i just find it so amazing & heartwarming every time i read byj stuff from fans and i thank them all for their love and devotion to yong joon.

there is this one article that really pricked my heart. it was written by a chinese fan, aroma of coffee during yong joon's 2005 beijing trip and beautifully translated by tiffany. this was posted in quilt sometime november 2005 but alas, this was one of the lost treasures in quilt when the site broke down last june.

i'll be reposting this beautiful passage in my blog for the simple reason that i want to keep it much closer to me. this is one article that i will always treasure coz in its honesty & simplicity, there is so much love & beauty in it.... and i also feel that i may someday cross this bittersweet path....

btw, i made a blog entry on this article at the time when it really hit me hard & tears just kept rolling from my eyes... *blush* ....gosh, if only yong joon knows what he is doing to me.

from aroma of coffee, written on 16 november 2005
translation from chinese to english by tiffany of

Time cannot take away your brightness

I know you, I'll always remember you. At that time, you were still young, everyone said you were me, you are even more beautiful now than when you were younger, compared to your looks then, I love your weathered face even more............Marguerite Duras.

I remembered once telling friends, I don't like some of Yong Joon's photos now, because he looks aged and tired. I don't like him wearing brightly coloured clothes like a teenager, because he has already lost some of the purity. I don't like some of his CFs, because his smile is too sickly sweet.
I said, if it's too commercial, my enthusiasm will cool.

Those times when I was once a crazy fan is now but a memory, those longing and passion that once raged in my heart has slowly become a faint wish. I guess my love for him has now become a habit. But it is no longer love.

But I still decided to go and see him, to give an answer to my heart.

12th November, Wangfujing Road, I sat together with LJ on the wooden seats outside the foreign bookstore, and in the cold wind, opened up the cards that we had selected for Yong Joon. LJ concentrated on writing the messages for Yong Joon from the members of loveyongjoon and I carefully kept those cards that were already written. Reading those heartfelt, sincere messages, I felt my pangs of guilt in my heart.

My sisters still follow Yong Joon's footsteps but I, seems to have drifted further and further. I guess I'm just a fake BYJ fan.

To this man though, I will always be grateful. Because of him, I received so much. Writing, friends, even adding color and dimension to my life.

For this Beijing trip, I had no demands, it is enough that I can see the sisters from the website who have been so good to me, whether I can see him up close, I will leave it to fate. My seat for the movie premiere is in row 32, with my short sightedness, I will never be able to see Yong Joon clearly on the stage, nor will I be able to see clearly the movie subtitles.

But it is ok, Yong Joon, we are in the same city, it is already very good. I have no regrets.

At the premiere in the afternoon, it was already dark when I entered the hall, the movie had started. I saw an empty seat in front and managed to crept up to row 11, seat no 50+. I didn't know anyone around me and was very nervous, fearing that that at any moment, someone will chase me away. This uneasiness remained till the end of the movie.

Now that I think back, I watched "Oe Chool" only intermittenly because people kept walking along the aisle by my side. Because the seat was too out of the way, the screen was awkward and my eyes took a long time to get used to it. Thankfully, I could see the subtitles clearly.

I like Dir Hur's movies, but I don't want to discuss in details now. I want to say, I, finally saw Yong Joon.

When the movie ended, the whole atmosphere in the cinema became excited and anxious, everyone was waiting for Yong Joon to appear.

When he appeared, smiling, walking from behind the stage to the front, I suddenly felt my heart beat accelerating. It's him, Yong Joon, it's really him. The very familiar smile, the gentle smile and yet, it's a different smile from the screen.

Because that gentleness and honesty that emit from the heart cannot be felt so keenly from the screen.

He waved to us, and said in Mandarin: My families China, how are you?

He said, I've missed you all.

I've missed you all.

At the very moment, hot tears welled up in my eyes.

There were screams all around me, everyone raised their hands to wave to him. In the darkness, I silently waved to him, and covered my mouth with the other, not wanting to make any sound.

Yong Joon ah...

I found out, You, are still irreplaceble.

Don't ask me why I felt such sudden and fast change in my emotions, don't ask me why my heart is in turmoil, I can't answer you. I only felt intense pain throughout my body. Even now, after a few days, when I think of Yong Joon, I will still cry. This kind of feeling will never be understood by those who were not present then.

I don't want to cry.

I pinched myself hard not to let my tears roll down. I saw Yong Joon's reluctance to leave, he was truly shocked that the meeting was so short. Twice he said, too short, too short. I saw the deep helplessness in your smile.

But, you know you have to go, you almost snatched the microphone, you said: Wishing all my familes in China, happiness, peace, safe and sound.

3 years of waiting, 30 minutes of meeting.

Yong Joon ah...

You could not see my hand waving amongst the sea of people, you could not see the tears in my eyes. But I, I could clearly see, my heart.

Yes, you are no longer handsome like before, you don't seemed as young anymore, you can no longer act as a high school student. Even with make up, you could not hide the changes in your face. This one year, you seemed to have lost something in you and yet, I found out, the shine from deep within your heart, which can never be erased by the passage of time, it shines even more brightly than the polaris.

This beauty, is like the tall sunflower, the stuborness and steadfastness within the yellow petals, never wilting.

A phrase flashed through my mind:
I know you, I'll always remember you. At that time, you were still young, everyone said you were me, you are even more beautiful now than when you were younger, compared to your looks then, I love your weathered face even more.

Yes, my dear Marguerite.Duras, you've said what I wanted to say.

Source: 咖啡香氛527 of


Blogger bb said...

hey frances...
coz i subscribed to bloglines, i saw your original 'holding on' entry before you edited to this current version.

sorry... not sure if i've 'peeped' at something i shouldn't have. but believe me, i totally understand what you're trying to say.

you know, that loveyongjoon website [that's where coffee aroma posted her original article] is the earliest fan site for wuri yong joon in china. since 14 feb 2003. so alot of the fans are 'old' fans, just like us. the journey is quite similar. in the beginning, it's almost feverish, then after watching most of his stuff, it comes to finding out more about the man, then it's falling in love all over again with the man this time, and not just the actor.

then later... we calmed down some, and we just watch him, care for him and worry about him from wherever we are. he becomes sort of like a part of us, always there.

and then there'll be times when silly thoughts creep into our heads... why do we love him so? is he worth my time and love? are my feelings for him the same as they were a couple of years ago? there'll be questions...

and then somehow, it's as if he heard us, there'll appear something, a picture, a clip, a piece of news, whatever... to remind us of our hearts. to make us realise nothing's really changed. he's still that special to us.

holding on is not as difficult as it seems, suddenly.

there're alot of beautiful fans' sharing on loveyongjoon. as much as i love how the fans share how they come to fall for this man, what i love even more to read are the postings that fans share after 2,3 years of loving him. it's that realization that after all this time, this man can still stir the very same feelings in us. how beautiful. and how special.

p.s coffee aroma and catindream are two of my fave writers, incidentally.

11:48 PM  
Blogger bb said...

there's another one written by catindream, also done after his beijing trip, thousands have passed... i like that one too.

11:49 PM  
Anonymous jaime said...

Thanks frances for bringing this beautiful piece of article to our attention. She described so brilliantly of her indifference at the beginning, then longing to see YJ in Beijing to the overflowing emotions in the cinema. I can totally feel her emotional journey. really looks like a treasure.

Is this one of bb's excellent translation again? Flows so smooth! Thanks!

6:26 PM  
Blogger bb said...

nope... jaime, i didn't do this, tiffany translated it :)

good one huh?

coffee aroma also did angel on earth too, another good one.

10:14 PM  
Anonymous jaime said...

oops sorry, miss it. Yeah Tiffany, the voice of reason and another excellent blogger! Thanks for the translation, it's really enjoyable to read.

Thanks for reminding me of "Angel on earth" bb, I almost forgot this great piece. Yeah, this is one of best write up of Yong Joon, an angel - how appropriate! THANKS
COFFEE AROMA (if you can hear me)!
Now I feel like having a latte mochaccino!

10:50 PM  
Blogger frances said...

hi bb,
peeped at something? not sure what you mean sis, but whatever it is, its ok ^^

i've been a byj fan for 2yrs now and the feeling is just as exhilirating as before.

i initially fell for his aura of aloofness, the shy & quiet demeanor and the understated acting & i still adore him as an actor but as of late, the determined man behind the famous face, the warmhearted man behind those generous deeds, the intelligence & decisiveness of the astute businessman in him is making my head spin real hard ^^

i dont know for how long this craziness will last but most definitely, this byj episode will forever have a special place in my heart....see, i'm already getting emotional !!!!!!

5:39 AM  
Blogger frances said...

hey jaime,
if only i know how to read has been sharing a lot of beautiful passages from loveyongjoon and i'm so amazed by the chinese fans' writing skills and of course, their love for yong joon :)

btw, care to change your coffee? why not try coffee macchiato...
i read in quilt that yong joon drinks this when he visits starbucks ^^

5:46 AM  
Blogger bb said...

mmmm... actually according to this article, wuri yong joon's fave starbucks drink is... caramel macchiato!

p.s. personally i think that drink's a wee bit sweet :p

7:25 AM  
Blogger frances said...

haha, what was i thinking? supposed to type caramel & not coffee @@@@ thanks bb for the correction ^^

8:40 AM  
Anonymous jaime said...

Caramel macchiato eh? No problem, I'll change mine right away!

Haha, have you heard that Starbucks is for people with absolutely no decision making ability or practice (like me!) to walk in as if they are making a life-altering decision over 200 different combinations and permutations of coffee! Cafe, latte, mochaccino, frapuccino, mocchiato, chocolate, vanilla, caramel, hazelnut, vanilla, houseblend, breakfast blend, dark roast, strong, mild, caf, decaf, hot, cold, small, regular, grande, jumbo, double double, triple triple, ...... If you can make a decision in just 5 seconds after you walk into a Starbucks, you can make any billion$ executive decisions in corporate America!

4:17 PM  
Blogger bb said...

oh... then jaime, corporate america's beta get ready for me!

there're only 2 drinks i would order in starbucks: double tall skinny latte or long back. and no sugar, no cinnamon, no chocolate sprinkled over my drinks... QED...

sighs... even my coffee habits are so no-frills... i'm so boring so boring so boring! help!!!!!!!!

2:13 AM  

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